why did it hurt so much?

why did it always hurt to see her eyes grow hazy with tears, her breathing pattern change? why could he feel every rhythm of hers?

she was no one to him… no one. just a girl who was crazy, who didn't belong to his world, who had accidentally bumped into him one evening and ever since then…

ever since then what? he asked himself.

“why can't i stop thinking about you?” he closed his eyes and took a deep ragged breath.

she had left crying. he knew there must have been tears streaming down her cheeks, which is why she had walked away so hastily, not even turning to say bye to anyone. nani ji, mami, di, they all stood looking after her but she never turned back… he had stayed at the windows overlooking the entrance from the poolside above and watched her go, feeling an inexplicable suffocating pain burgeoning in him.

“i don't care about you, khushi kumari gupta,” he said softly to himself, “you mean nothing to me.” he wanted to hear himself say it, he wanted to be very sure there was no mistake.

he opened his eyes deliberately, ready to be free of her, her thoughts, her voice, her grey green eyes, her smile…

and his gaze fell on the little table by his deck chair.

the broken glass lay there. and even from where he stood on the other side of the pool, he could see something on the glass… he walked forward not quite thinking… soon he was standing next to the table, staring down, frowning.

red… on the glass. 

it was blood.

 he jerked slightly… her blood… he remembered pushing her when he'd told her to go.

“what are you doing here? get out… don't come near me! do you understand… never!” he'd said harshly as he had thrust her back and away from him… she had lost her balance.

had she winced? his ears seemed to search the whole poolside trying to catch an echo, a remnant of her cry of pain. 

he felt himself unhinge inside. what had he done.

he ran out of the poolside, through his room, down the steps and out of the house as fast as his legs would take him. she couldn't have gone far or had she?

he got into the suv and reversed all the way down the long driveway and out of the gate in one swift motion and started driving in the direction of her house. evening was descending fast and he could hear thunderclaps… where was she? was she safe? he pressed down on the accelerator.

seemed like hours before he saw her though it had been only a few minutes, she was walking fast on the pavement, head down, looking neither left nor right. doggedly walking on.

he stopped the car next to her and got out. she was so engrossed she didn't notice the car… nor him. she kept walking, head down.

he ran around the car and stepped into her path.

“khushi!” his voice was hoarse… was it with anger or longing?

she looked up startled, her cheeks streaked with tears, a stricken look in her eyes. so so vulnerable.

then she sidestepped him smartly and continued to walk.

for a second he was too dazed to move. it was never easy for him to see her like that. and he had made sure she came to that point so many many times.

 he turned and started walking toward her, catching up quickly. she refused to acknowledge his presence. 

his lips tightened involuntarily, he held her elbow and jerked her around to face him, he had to talk to her.

“khushi! stop!…” she started to struggle.

“stop it!” he gripped both her shoulders tight. she kept fighting back.

 “stop it, khushi!” he whispered urgently, “let me see your hand, where have you cut yourself…!!!” 

she kept her head down resolutely and even as he tried to grab the hand clutching her dupatta end, she struggled to free it from his grasp.

“i said, show me your hand, dammit!” he hissed angrily as he yanked her hand up to take a look…

it was a neat long cut next to her ring finger, fresh, alive, blood still oozing from it. 

his eyes were now fixed on it and something about his face finally got through to khushi. she became still watching him staring at her wound.

he swore under his breath and without a word drew her hand closer. when she felt his mouth, his lips, on her bleeding wound she stared at him disbelievingly. what was he doing?

he stayed like that for a second, his mouth on her cut, a silent moment outside earth's time zone… then he started sucking gently.

ever ever so gently.

khushi watched, dumbstruck, her insides beginning to feel the strangest of things.

arnav singh raizada was holding her hand and his mouth, she swallowed hard, his mouth gentle and warm was on her hand, and he was slowly sucking the blood from her wound trying to stanch its flow.

khushi blinked. shouldn't she get angry or something now?

she kicked herself mentally for being such an idiot and started to snatch her hand away once more. who did he think he was… he couldn't hurt her like that, insult her, shout and scream and say terrible things and then just come running after her like this and start…

and start…

khushi swallowed hard, her hand stopped fighting.

just then the lightning struck, the thunder roared, the rain started.

in seconds, the downpour had drenched them right through. two of them out there on the pavement, his mouth on her wound, she looking on helpless, both completely wet.

asr was the first to react.

still holding her hand, he stopped sucking on her cut and looked up at the skies, then down at her face, her slightly lost slightly horrified gaze… 

water streamed down her face, her eyes were large and glowing, her lips were wet, a little swollen… why he wondered.

and then before he knew it his lips had descended again. this time on hers. 

he felt the soft tender skin of her lips, even as he heard her indrawn breath. oh khushi! his mouth clasped her lips and he felt a pounding in his ears as he began kissing her. her cupid's bow, her upper lip, her thicker plush lower lip. he wanted to drink her in, he wanted to devour her. 

the rain fell all over them, droplets streamed over his hair, her face, a few made their way to their kiss and tried to interrupt… all they succeeded in doing was deepening it further.

khushi felt the world spin and tumble when his hard lips struck hers. then all thought left, only sensation remained.

it would have been easy to describe if it were merely desire.

warm warm lips poured fire into her, her eyes closed, she strained against his lips and the turmoil they aroused. what was this feeling? she had never known this before. she felt his tongue on her lips tracing the line along her upper lip, she moved her head to give him access, her mouth opened and seemed to ask him for something… she could hear his heart beating fast against her heart. and the rain… it was now falling on one and flowing on to the other… there seemed to be no separation, no distance between the two of them, their bodies, their arms, legs, torsos all crushed breathless against each other.

with a muffled groan he pulled her even closer.

the rain grew thicker. neither of them cared.

finally, something must have registered, for he lifted his head at last and with a drugged, “khushi!” he picked her up in his arms and carried her to the car. he opened the back door on the passenger side and put her inside. she sat there looking disoriented. he quickly went around to the other side, opened the door and got in.

then he sat quietly for an instant just looking at her. his eyes blazed with something. it would have been easy to describe if it were merely desire. cognac and chocolate melted and swirled and a man's soul seemed to be laid bare.

khushi looked at him shivering slightly. her wound throbbed. her breath was still soaring, not settled. she had thought she'd never see him again.

her eyes shut tight at the thought. he was a terrible terrible man, but she did not want to not see him ever. her mouth puckered, a little sob rose in her… all she knew was she did not want to get out forever from her arnav ji's life.

her arnav ji.

somewhere along the way, through all the unpredictable chaotic moments of their lives he had become that. hers. that was all. she had no idea what word described this feeling. she didn't even want to know.

the truth of that belonging was all that mattered.

“khushi!” she heard his voice, soft, pure, untainted by any external thing… no anger, no rage, no push away… 

she opened her eyes. he was sitting there, his arms wide open looking at her, eyes bright, burning bright.

even the faintest thought of caution didn't cross her mind as she threw herself into his arms. she heard a low sound escape his lips and then he was kissing her again. on her eyes, her cheeks, her nose, her ears… and at last, her mouth.

a sky splitting lightning ripped through the evening, the sound of thunder not too distant was heard. 

khushi clutched arnav harder. his hands spread across her back, reassuring… then they grew urgent, pulling at her clothes, she didn't resist, she let him tug her kurta higher, so he could spread his hands over her bare cool skin, heat shot through her as his fingers pressed against her bra strap, he deftly unhooked it.

khushi closed her eyes again. a line was being crossed she knew. if she allowed this there may not be any turning back. she looked up at him and saw he was looking at her too. there was a question in his eyes.

she felt her body move of its own accord and press into him. she realised she felt no fear. she wanted to go with this man wherever he wanted to take her. she smiled slightly and leaned over and pecked him shyly on the corner of his lips. the right side, where his chiseled lips lost their perfect symmetry and pulled down just a little bit.

he moved his head slightly to catch her lips with his and start kissing her again. his hands stroked her body, a little urgent, rough, pushing her kurta up higher… now over her stomach his fingers leapt, setting off goosebumps wherever they touched… suddenly they were on her breast. 

khushi shivered, and breathed in.

his hands were warm and they stayed on her without moving, letting her feel them, get familiar… then his thumb stroked her skin. her taut innocent full breasts quivered. she sighed in nothing but pleasure. never occurred to her to protest, to shy away.

he was nuzzling her neck now, his breath warm and tickly. she murmurred and smiled. 

”like it?” he asked and then gave her a sharp little bite.

she jumped. he laughed and pushed her back on the seat, leaning above her. she felt his mouth on her belly, moist and hot. his tongue darted in and around her belly button.

her toes curled, her stomach seemed to empty out and fall away, she could feel her heartbeat careen, her ears went hot. “arnav ji!” she whimpered. she had never ever been even kissed before, she had no idea what to do with such a deluge of sensations… it poured over her, carrying her on wild currents, uncontrolled, uncontrollable. 

she clutched his hair and breathed raggedly.

he wanted her so much, he had no idea why, but this felt right. she felt right. 

he kissed her soft downy skin and started to make his way from her naval up. her hand on his hair clutched harder. he smiled. khushi. he inhaled slowly.

no… this was not how he would make love to her, not in the back seat of his car… it would be her first, her very first time, and he would make it beautiful… in a way it would be his first time too.

he lifted his head and bent just for a second to quickly kiss her soft firm breast. a whispering featherlight kiss. then he was sitting up and pulling her to a sitting position… settling her clothes. khushi looked at him bewildered, bemused, still lost.

“home… we're going home,” he said with a smile looking at her face.

“huh!” she sounded woolly.

“yes, home, let's go home, shall we?” he grinned. and he picked up her hand, kissing her fingers one by one.

khushi wondered why nothing was ever predictable between them. and smiled. the rain kept falling.

 

 

i had written this simple piece for a dear friend, a birthday gift. she'd asked for a “hot” story, my very young friend. so i wrote a  few moments from my favourite pair's life. i hope you enjoyed reading it.

 

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